nautical jokes  selection2

The Admiral.

A Navy Admiral (*which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.

Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform."

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."

The Admiral was acquitted.

A sailor ashore after 9 month at sea.

A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked,

 "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."

Captain Bravo.

Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

 Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo almly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

God's help.

A guy is in a sailboat on the ocean when a storm comes up. A powerboat pulls up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm gets a worse. A coast guard patrol boat pull up to him and offers to tow him to safety. He says again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore."

The storm is getting terrible now - waves splash over his little boat. A helicopter comes out hovering over the boat and drops a ladder down to the man. He waves them off, saying again "I am a devout man, I know that God will save me"

The storm rages out of control, the man is swept off the boat and drowns. Being a devout man, he goes up to heaven - where he meets God. He asks of God: "I have worshipped you all my life, yet you did not save me from the storm, why?" God replies: "Dumbass. I sent a powerboat to get you, I sent the Coast Guard to get you, I sent helicopters out to save you...."

Jumper Cables.

A guy brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch. The dock hand says "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here today. This establishment has a neck tie policy, and you are not wearing one.

The guy says "Of course I don't have a tie on, I'm on a boat!" "Well, go down below and put one on" "I don't HAVE one!" The dock hand, not wanting to turn away a customer, says "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be O.K."

After some time, the boater comes out with a pair of jumper cables. "This is all I could find"

Sighing, the deck hand says "OK, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything"

The Thirsty Sailor.

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have ?"
"Fifty cents !"

The Scuba Diver.

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20 feet.

He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the same guy. I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver, I bet he can't go down another 25 feet.

So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes, "How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?"

The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, "I'm drowning you moron!"

Reflecting on the Past.

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

The Sand Bar.

A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.

After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."

"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand for the bar."

The Sand Bar.

A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.

After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."

"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand for the bar."

Stiletto.

The Stiletto catamaran looks kinda funny when on it's trailer because of the way it telescopes down to 8' from 14'. 

Well one day while trailering it, I happen to pull in to a gas station when a young boy came up to me and asked "Hey, is this your boat?" 

I replied "Well yes!". Kinda excited and proud to say it was. 

The young boy then asked, "Then who does the other one belong to?".

From: Guy Grafius

Stowaway.

A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the ocean. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."

That sounded great to the young women and took up living secretly in a room on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.

After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."