to do if you are desperate to go sailing
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a
couple of months.
- Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Six hours after you go to sleep, have your mate whip open the curtain, shine a
flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
- Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you
shut off the water while soaping up.
- Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and
rock as hard as you can until you're nauseated.
- Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
- Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
- Leave the lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper
- Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
- Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbour's house. Laugh at him when
he curses you.
- Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the
other side of your bathtub.
- Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup).
- Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food
cabinets or refrigerator.
- Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it
goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out
into your yard and break out the garden hose.
- Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them
- Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and
lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors
so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every
time you pass through one of them.
Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then
spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man
overboard, ship recovery!", run into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor, then yell at your mate for
not having the place "stowed for sea".
Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand
in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and
ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular)
"Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.